There’s this certain loneliness that comes from being Englishera that I see nobody talk about online—it’s a heavily joked about topic that when most people think of Englishera’s they will think of a spoiled rich kid talking about how they have “american humor”; I never know how to feel about it because I grew up in an impoverished area growing up where at night people would argue and fight so if you’d ask me about my thoughts on that stuff I’d never know how to respond. It makes me wonder what my Filipino Identity means to me? What does being Filipino even mean when you’re so disconnected from the idea of it?

Sure I went to private school before being homeschooled however I was there because my parents wanted a good education for me. Then I stopped all schooling and nobody in my family had time to teach me anything so I’d just lie by saying I went through homeschool to all my friends and anyone who dared to ask why I was so uncomfortable in my native tongue. Thus I went to the internet to search for connections at a young age. 

Previously I used it only to watch minecraft videos or videos of games I could not play from being so poor but I thought maybe I could make friends with people like me and suddenly I made friends with two other filipinos who I no longer talk to for reasons otherwise unspecified but… they were Englishera like i was and I soon realized there were so many other people like me online and since I thought I’d never be able to go continue my schooling due to my situation at the time (which thank god is not the case anymore...) that I just tolerated my lack of basic knowledge for my mother tongue, I could understand but I could not actually comprehend the language; I indulged further and further into my own self loathing for my national identity. 

Yes, self loathing. Which is pretty weird because if you’d ask most people who know me now if I was the kind of person who was ashamed to be filipino they would answer no and ask you where you got that idea because I am described as someone who is very critical of our system and yet so in love with our culture and identity. They would not be wrong as that is how I am happy being described now however back then I was so annoyed at the prospect of being Filipino. Being Asian in general was a drag to me, I would always dream about being some basic white girl who went to school everyday and had 200 friends. I hated my slit eyes, I hated looking like me because I felt disgusting and ugly. Yes, that is a horrible thing to be saying but if you were in my shoes what would you do? How would you feel?

I admonished a sort of artificial pride for my identity back in 2020, I would mention being filipino online and I would interact with filipino pride videos with things like the cringy “UYYYY PILIPENS” that I’m sure other filipino’s are all too familiar with, the so called overproud filipinos who would comment that stuff and I used to agree with them in forum discussions but truth be told deep down I envied them because of how much pride they had in our country while I had a hard time even interacting with my own community—I felt alienated because I fit in nowhere, I was so ashamed to be Filipino that I would intentionally hide my nationality until the last possible second.

In 2023 I had made a friend who had helped me out a lot and I was so happy with them that for once in my life I was excited to share a piece of my country with someone overseas, my at the time favorite meal Caldereta. I expected to be given a positive response because of how kind they were towards me, never minding my own insecurity and problems at the time. However, I was instead met with a comment on how disgusting the food looked and that only intensified my shame but because of how this friend helped me escape a horrible friendship I felt I owed it to them to not call them out and mention how upset it made me—later I had brought up the incident to my other SEAsian friend at the time who told me what happened was racism, but I refused to believe it because she helped me she wouldn't make snide racist comments about me right?

I grew to hate my features more and more as I was surrounded by people like this online. All the friends I made who were overseas were so judgemental that I went back to my old ways. I didn’t even see my childhood friends anymore as they both had moved away and so there was no way to ground myself, I lived in a delusion that everyone else I knew paid no mind to. I experienced this weird kind of impostor syndrome… It was genuinely such a dark part of my life.

Times have to change and people need to grow. However, as the years passed by my friend circle changed and I met way nicer people, my very diverse trio who I met on ponytown I was skeptical at first because I was already floating groups I had no friends who I genuinely talked to because they would not talk to me. These 2 people who I met have been so kind to me since I met them and they’ve helped me feel comfortable talking about my nationality again. They let me talk about how my culture related to my OC’s and I soon became more comfortable in even talking about who I was.

My friends despite all being overseas were the major factors that got me through my shame and things were peaceful for a bit, they still are now but the reason this essay is so long is because my story is about my experience: one of my experiences is being enrolled into private school, in grade 7 I had finally been given the go to continue schooling and so after missing the entirety of elementary school I reentered school, it was interesting but I was nervous because of the EOP rule yet a little excited as I had not yet accepted that I needed to speak Filipino.

Entering school is what solidified that for me, despite the EOP(English Only Policy) rule, I found most of my classmates had no clue about our own language, they used google translate often and even encouraged me to use it as a source, I was so insecure of speaking in my tongue; it’s because of the EOP rule that I was so insecure of using my own native language for recitation or group presentations, I had chalked it back up to anxiety and in a way yes it was anxiety but my point is the EOP rule was conditioning me to fear speaking my own language as I would be judged in a classroom where I am not allowed to use it out of specific class hours, (e,g, Filipino and Araling Panlipunan). It was horrifying but it was manageable.

Grade 7 seldom left me fond memories but I always wondered why most private schools would not let you speak your native language? Even if it was during break time or after school unless you had a parent with you, it is very likely that you would get in trouble for speaking in anything other than English. It was weird to say the least, I remember thinking about my classmates who would do jugs or posting because they dared to speak a sentence of their native tongue.

I didn’t know how to feel, I still don’t know how to feel, why do we encourage the linguicide of our own language? It is no one's fault but I wonder when we decided we needed to start putting our mother tongue on a lesser pedestal than the language given to us by the Americans? Just on the off chance that we make it and are given the opportunity to seek overseas education?

It seems to be a fault in system, a flaw in the design: I blame no one who has educated me and who I have encountered in the past because really, are we not all being fucked over by the same system put into place? Why have we accepted that the most beneficial outcome for ourselves is to leave the country and seek higher work overseas?

What does it mean to be Filipino? Is a question I will always continue to ask myself so long as this shame lives even if only by a little, I want there to be a day where when I think of my culture and nations flaws my immediate response will not be to cover it in a bandaid and distance myself from it as if it does not even exist. There is this loneliness in being a Englishera FIlipino and maybe you might call me a hypocrite talking about this when my tagalog is not so good however I wrote this out the bottom of my heart, I’ve decided to follow the teaching that if you want to be better at a language you must immerse yourself in it. My version’s advice would be “If you want to love yourself more, slowly expose yourself until one day you find the so called boiling water does not sting anymore”

I must still tread this path of shame but I know that I have people now, people who I can talk to, my grade 7 and 8 Filipino have taught me the lesson that to love yourself you need to accept who you are, I love writing tula and panitikan no matter how bad my grammar can be perceived because it’s like being a little kid who learns the language, yes I am late but isn't it better late than never?

I think if you too are ashamed or upset about being Filipino you should ask yourself what has happened in the past for you to feel this way. I also think it’s okay if you can't find it either because who am I to tell you how to handle your shame? All you should know is you are not alone no matter what. 

Happy independence day, please love yourself and think about the beauty of our culture. Despite all the typhoons and all the earthquakes we still survive and thrive, we are still people and we always will be. The Spaniards may have tried to get us to become ashamed of ourselves before but not anymore, our ancestors and national heroes have fought very hard for us to even be here now and I will always find a sense of sonder knowing that. 

Around the website there are things I have collected that I like that have helped me feel less ashamed of my identity, if you are interested feel free to check it out. 

I love the pearl of the orient, for it is what we are. Thank you for reading ;P

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If you wanna see more of my thoughts and likes you can check it all out here!